How to Support Someone Who Comes Out as LGBTQ: A Guide for Family, Friends, and Allies
Having someone come out to you as LGBTQ can evoke a mixture of emotions and experiences. Whether you are expecting it or feel taken by surprise, your response is crucial in shaping the individual’s journey. It is essential to recognize that how you support someone who is LGBTQ will deeply impact their well-being, emotional safety, and the strength of your relationship. Below are a few practical dos and don'ts to consider when someone comes out to you as LGBTQ.
Don’t: Expect Them to Have All the Answers
When someone comes out as LGBTQ, you will likely have many questions about their sexual orientation or gender identity. Questions like how they want to express their identity, what led them to this understanding of themselves, or why they identify the way they do are all normal curiosities. However, it's vital to remember that everyone’s LGBTQ journey is different. They may not have answers, or they may not be ready to share everything with you right away.
Many individuals exploring their identity will find that things change over time, and so their answers may evolve too. Respecting the fluidity of their identity is part of knowing how to support someone who is LGBTQ. It’s about offering support and love (even if you do not understand) rather than requiring certainty or explanation.
Don’t: Out Them to Others Before They Are Ready
When someone comes out to you as LGBTQ, they trust you with a deeply personal aspect of themselves. However, there may still be people in their life they are not yet ready to share this information with. As you learn how to respond when someone comes out as LGBTQ, remember that they may not feel safe or comfortable being open about their identity in all spaces.
“Outing” someone is sharing about their identity without their consent. This can cause harm, fracture relationships, and can potentially be dangerous for the LGBTQ person in your life. When you are offering support and love to someone who is LGBTQ, you honor their right to decide who knows what about their personal life. If you do share their identity with others without permission, it could risk their safety, relationships, and trust.
Don’t: Shame or Judge Them
One of the most harmful things you can do when someone comes out as LGBTQ is to shame or judge them. It's important to remember that their identity is a part of who they are, and they are trusting you to accept and love them as they are. While you may have personal beliefs that differ from theirs, this is an opportunity for your own growth and reflection.
If you are struggling with how to support someone who is LGBTQ, consider exploring your feelings on the matter and seek out education on LGBTQ identities from external resources. Remember, support does not always mean agreement—it means providing a nonjudgmental, open space for your loved one to be who they truly are.
Do: Thank Them for Trusting You
Coming out as LGBTQ can be an anxiety-provoking experience, and someone may be fearful of rejection or misunderstanding. If someone confides in you, it means they trust you with a vulnerable part of themselves. It is essential to acknowledge the courage it took for them to share their truth.
By expressing your gratitude, you show them that you appreciate their vulnerability and are ready to support them. Simply saying, "Thank you for trusting me with this" can go a long way in reassuring them that they made the right decision in opening up to you. This gesture is a key component of how to support someone who is LGBTQ, and it lays a foundation for trust moving forward.
Do: Ask How You Can Be Supportive
Everyone’s coming out journey is different, and the kind of support they need will vary. Some people may only want to be heard, while others may need your help in navigating difficult conversations with other friends or family members. If you’re unsure how to respond when someone comes out as LGBTQ, simply ask, “How can I support you through this?”
This opens the door for a clear dialogue and helps you understand their specific needs. Perhaps they need you to use different pronouns or a new name for them, or they may want you to accompany them to a support group or to talk to other loved ones. This willingness to learn how to support someone who is LGBTQ in a way that aligns with their needs strengthens your relationship. As a reminder, it is okay if they do not have the answers yet. Just asking this question lets them know that you are accepting and supportive.
Do: Leave the Door Open for Future Conversations
Being supportive when someone comes out as LGBTQ doesn’t end with that one conversation. Their journey will likely evolve over time, and they might want to share new feelings, experiences, or challenges later. One of the best things you can do is leave the door open for continued conversations.
Let them know that you are open to talking when they feel ready. Reassure them that they can approach you at any time, whether to ask for advice, share something new, or simply to talk. By being an ongoing source of support, you are showing them that your commitment to them extends beyond the moment they came out.
Do: Educate Yourself About LGBTQ Experiences
It is common for people to feel uncertain or even conflicted when a loved one comes out as LGBTQ. It’s perfectly natural to need time to process your own emotions and reactions. However, if you are uncertain about how to respond when someone comes out as LGBTQ, it is essential to educate yourself. The more you understand about LGBTQ identities, the better equipped you will be to offer informed, compassionate support.
There are countless online resources, books, and local organizations that can provide you with the tools to learn. Educating yourself on issues such as pronouns, gender identity, sexual orientation, and the unique struggles faced by LGBTQ individuals will help you become a more supportive ally. In the process, you will also become better at supporting the person who has trusted you with their truth.
Do: Take Care of Your Own Emotions
Supporting someone who comes out as LGBTQ can bring up a wide range of emotions for you as well. You might feel joy, fear, confusion, or even grief as you process the new information. It is important to allow yourself the time and space to process your emotions apart from your LGBTQ loved one.
Consider finding someone trustworthy—such as a friend, family member, or therapist—who you can confide in. This way, you can work through your own feelings without putting unnecessary pressure on the person who came out to you. If necessary, counseling can be a helpful tool for navigating your emotional response in a safe, nonjudgmental space. Remember the importance of not outing and LGBTQ loved one to someone they are not comfortable being out with yet. If you are the only person your loved one has opened up to, it may be best to seek out confidential support, such as a PFLAG support group or therapist.
When someone comes out as LGBTQ, it is a big step not only for them but also for their relationships. As you learn how to support someone who is LGBTQ, you are actively contributing to their sense of safety, understanding, and belonging. Your response plays a key role in helping them navigate their identity and feel loved for who they truly are.
Remember, everyone’s experience with coming out is unique, and your continued support is invaluable. Whether through asking questions, offering a listening ear, or educating yourself further, your role as an ally and supporter can make all the difference in someone’s journey. As you embrace your learning process, you're helping create a world where LGBTQ individuals are accepted, celebrated, and supported.
Have you experienced someone coming out to you? Consider finding a welcoming, nonjudgmental space to process your own feelings and thoughts. Counseling can be a great way to navigate this process, and you are welcome to reach out for a free consultation if you want to learn how therapy can provide personalized guidance on how to respond when someone comes out as LGBTQ.