What to do When Someone Comes Out to You
Having someone coming out to you as LGBTQIA+ can bring on a mixture of emotions and experiences. You may have known about their sexual orientation or gender identity, or their coming out to you may be a complete surprise. Your response will likely depend on your relationship with the person, your knowledge and understanding of sexuality and gender, and your relationship with your own sexuality and gender. Here are a few don’ts and dos to keep in mind and help support an LGBTQIA+ person after they have come out.
Don’t:
Expect them to have all of the answers
You may be full of questions about this person’s identity and experience. How they would like to express their identity, what led to their realization and/or decision to come out, or why this is their identity are all very common questions. Depending on where they are at in their coming out process, they may not have answers, or if they do, they may not want to share those answers with you. Keep in mind that there is not one way to be LGBTQIA+, and people’s identities and orientations will often change over the course of time.
Out them to others that they may not be ready to share this information with
There may still be people and places that this person does not feel safe or comfortable being out in. Respect that they have the choice to talk about their sexual orientation or gender identity if, when, and how they desire. They may choose to never come out in some circumstances, and this is never a requirement to be LGBTQIA+ “enough.” Sharing about a person’s identity without their permission could potentially severe your relationship with them and cause harm to their safety.
Shame them for their identity
You may not agree with this person, their identity, and/or decisions that they are making. While you are not required to agree, this person came out to you likely because they respect you and want you in their lives. Be willing to give that respect back to them. Get curious with yourself about the points of tension and be open to educating yourself more from resources other than the person coming out to you.
Do:
Thank them for trusting you and sharing their identity with you
When someone comes out to you, they are sharing an integral piece of who they are. Disclosing an identity is not required in most circumstances, which means this person is likely actively deciding they want you to know this about them. Honor the fact that they are willing to be open and vulnerable with you. Remember that this may be an anxiety provoking and challenging conversation for them.
Ask them how you can be supportive
Some people simply want you to know and do not need anything further. Others may want your help navigating through this conversation with different people in their lives. Additionally, the person coming out to you may want you to begin using a different name or pronouns for them.
Leave the door open for continued conversations
While the level of support they need will vary depend on where they are at in the coming out process, let the person know you are open to continued conversations if you feel open to doing so.
Resource yourself
Depending on your relationship with this person, your emotions can range anywhere from elation to grief, confusion to understanding, fear to assurance, and any mixture of the above. You are allowed to experience and process through your emotions and responses. Consider doing this with another trusted friend or family member (after getting the LGBTQIA+’s permission to share their identity). If this is not available, counseling can also be a great resource to navigate through your feelings in a nonjudgmental space.
Have you experienced someone coming out to you? You may benefit from having a welcoming and nonjudgmental space to process through your own experiences. You are welcome to reach out for a free consultation to see if counseling is a good option for you.