Five Tips on Communicating With Your Partner
If you have ever hit a wall in communicating with your partner, it is likely you felt unheard and frustrated. Maybe you have thought to yourself, “My partner doesn’t care! They never listen!” (or my favorite, “If they would just listen and do what I say everything would be fine!”). You both are likely exhausted with the endless cycle of arguing, feeling misunderstood and not heard, and tired of either hashing it out over and over or pushing it back under the rug. Instead of reaching a resolve and feeling connected, you may feel more annoyed and disconnected than ever before.
Relationships are hard. Communication is hard. For as much as we do both of these things, we often are navigating them without much information on how to do them well. That isn’t your fault! Below are a few tips on how to have better conversations with your partner.
Resource yourself before the conversation
Check in with how you are feeling and what needs you have to meet before the conversation. Are you hungry? Thirsty? Feeling extra hot or cold? Do you need some quiet space? By checking in with your needs and doing what you can to meet them, you will feel more grounded to have a conversation.
Ask your partner if it is a good time to talk
Give them the chance to resource themselves. The better you both feel, the greater likelihood you have at a successful conversation. If right now is not a good time to talk, ask them when a good time would be.
Focus on how you are feeling, not on what the other person is doing
“I statements” – It is cliché because it is true. There is a huge difference between hearing, “You never listen to me. You don’t care about my feelings” and “I feel unheard and disconnected when we talk.” The first comes off as accusatory and will create defensiveness in your partner. The second is focused on your experience which will be easier for your partner to respond to. This creates conversation instead of shut down.
Take accountability
It’s likely this point of contention is a pattern between the two of you rather than just being created by one person. When your partner has feedback for you, be willing to consider that their perspective is also valid. You may not agree with their statement, but if you can connect with how they’re feeling (see the “I statement” recommendation above), there is more of a chance that you can both find resolution together. It’s okay if you need time to reflect on what they’re saying. Communicate that need, take the time to reflect on what you can take accountability for, and come back to the conversation when you feel calm and ready.
You can be right, or you can be happy
…but you can’t be both. A successful conversation with your partner is one where you both feel heard and understood. This has to happen before you can move into problem solving. This means coming together as a team and realizing the problem is impacting both of you. It also means giving your partner the opportunity to feel heard by you. By seeing it as an “us” problem rather than a “you” problem, you can empathize with how much it is impacting both of you and create a solution together. If you are just looking to win the argument and put your partner down, neither one of you will be successful in the end.
Even with the best preparation, communication (especially when the topic is emotional) is still challenging. Consider reaching out for a free consultation to see how couples counseling can help you feel heard by your partner, create a deeper understanding of each other, and solve the problems the two of you are experiencing.