Factors to Consider Before Coming Out
Coming out as LGBTQIA+ is a process, and your process is as individual to you as your identity is. This can be an exciting, liberating, intimidating, or anxious time; or maybe a mixture of all of the above! Maybe you have already come out to a select few in your life and you are planning to come out to more, or maybe this is the first time you are considering having this conversation. While there is no right way to come out as LGBTQIA+, the questions below may help you consider how to resource yourself before sharing your story. This is not an exhaustive list, nor will all of it apply to your specific experiences. Ideally, none of the following factors are barriers for you. This list is not intended to create barriers, but instead to help you formulate a plan to increase the chances of this conversation going the best of ways.
A quick reminder before we get in to the details: you are valid if you're out, and you are valid if you're not. You are valid if you're out with some people but not others, or in some spaces but not all of them. You are valid if your identity is different today than it was yesterday. You are valid if you connect with various identities or none at all. You are valid in relationships, and you are valid if you are single.
You are valid, and I hope you embrace you exactly as you are.
Timing: Is the time you’re considering a good time to come out? Is there a better or even a best time? When could you come out that would allow you to garner the most acceptance and support from the person/people you are coming out to? Does the time you’re considering coming out feel best to you? Do you have time to check in with yourself before, during, and after coming out?
Format: How do you want to come out? Are there ways that feel safer with different people, such as writing a letter, sending a text, during a phone call, or an in-person conversation? What location feels best and most comfortable for you to come out if you’re having an in-person conversation?
Support: Do you already have some support (such as family, friends, or an online community)? Would your supports be available before, during, and after these other coming out conversations? If so, what support is available to you from them (financial, shelter, moral support etc.)? If you don’t want to do it alone, who can be with you during this conversation? If you do not have support, are there smaller steps that you can take to put that in place before coming out? What resources do you have that you could lean on to help you come out to your person/people? What resources do you have that you can utilize after sharing this information with them? Can you set up a plan with these resources in order to make sure they’re available?
Age: How might your age change the impact of this conversation? Is there anything indicating that it would be necessary to your safety and wellbeing to wait until you are older to come out?
Culture: How does your culture view your identities? If coming out to family, would your family's culture be supportive? If so, are there ways to call on those cultural beliefs during this conversation to garner more support?
Threat to safety/security: What is the worst-case scenario if the conversation goes poorly? Is the benefit of coming out worth more than the potential risk? What shelter or a safe place can you go to if this conversation does not go well? Are you financially tied to or dependent on this person/people? Are you at a place in your life where you could take care of and support yourself if this person/people are not accepting? Are your basic needs (food, water, shelter, finances, employment, transportation) provided for independent of the person or people you are coming out to? If not, what ways can you ensure that independence before coming out? What laws and rules are in place to protect you?
Desired outcome: What is you desired outcome? Are there things within your control that can help you get closer to that desired outcome? If not, how can you create space to grieve and make peace with the possibility of never reaching that desired outcome?
There are many different layers to this conversation that vary from person to person. Keep in mind that no matter who you plan to come out to, in what way, in what timing, or if at all, you are still worthy as a person and your identities are still valid! If you are wanting more individual support and a place to process through your feelings and experiences, set up social supports, or access resources, you are invited to reach out. You do not have to go through this process alone!